Thursday, April 30, 2009

hey- have I been Duggared?

You know what's weird? I have two gorgeous, healthy, wonderful little girls. But the Walter Makichen book Spirit Babies is getting into my head, and makes me feel guilty for not letting some spirit baby descend into my womb. Ok what??? Why I am letting this into my head? This is one step away from saying I want to be a Duggar because I don't want to deprive a soul from having a life on Earth. People, I haven't even READ the Spirit Babies book. I haven't even SEEN the Duggars' show!

Seriously, I can see that Sabrina's baby days are numbered, and I know I'm going to miss it even as I long for my physical and mental space again. I have so much more energy these days, and I think it might be a hormonal thing as my body makes a little less milk while she takes in a little more solid food. It's not even that much of a shift-- she's mostly nursing still-- but I think it's making a huge difference in my energy levels. But it also means babyhood is fast slipping away forever.

And that is ok-- that's life, right? It's always changing. Things that don't change aren't alive. So it's good to feel this slight upheaval and let it go, and accept that the girls will always be growing and changing, and that I will always be growing and changing as a mother and a whole person too. And part of that is about saying goodbye to stages as they pass.

Honestly, I don't know that I feel like YES- our family is COMPLETE. But last night, watching Derek with Paloma while I was with Sabrina, it really hit me how wonderful it is for our little family to have that one-on-one thing. And that maybe the complete feeling I seek is really just a longing for things to feel "done" in a way that they will never feel, because things are always changing.

I guess I love how it is now, but am still coming to terms with the "whoa--I will never be pregnant again" thing. The childbearing years were so feared, anticipated, then just like that-- over.

Onward, onward! One day I will be the mother of two girls and no babies! That's how it goes.