Friday, February 09, 2007

I don't have enough to do

Wha-? Oh, I meant I feel like I don't have enough to do. In reality, being a new mom is plenty to do. But I feel like I'm not doing enough. That's right, I have succumbed to New Mom Guilt!

And I even have guilt about calling myself a new mom and getting the right to feel guilty, since I've been at it a whole 14.5 weeks and should be past all this. Right?

I told a group I volunteer for that I can't make a five hour meeting at a place thats 1.5 hours away next Saturday. Minkie (aka Paloma) would need to be nursed in that time, and Derek would have to watch her, and we freaking need our Saturdays. Because as a professor in his second year, he's working crazy hours. I mean, go to bed at midnight or one or two or three am, then leave the house by eight or eight-thirty. It's So. Wrong.

So then I felt guilty for that. Like, how am I so busy that I can't even make this meeting which happens all of three or four times a year? Nursing, cleaning the apartment, nursing, changing diapers, nursing, checking email and thinking on MomsRising stuff. It all takes time but somehow, today, it doesn't feel worthy.

Doesn't that suck? Most of the time I don't feel that way, but today I do. Maybe it's the gray weather. Maybe it's the fact that I wish I could be bringing in a salary, and the fact that Derek works SO HARD for his. And the fact that his salary supports all three of us.

But at least I feed us well! See previous post. :)

Also, I read an article in the SF Chron about Tangerine Brigham, this awesome talented woman who overcame a tough childhood to be this fabulously productive government worker who gets to her desk at 6 am and meets all her deadlines and wows her superiors who beg her to come back and work for them and implement groundbreaking programs with huge social justice implications.

Just allow me this one little moment: I'm so jealous! Okay, moment over, I'm done. I love my life (seriously- best husband ever, best baby ever, happy neighborhood- things are good). I don't neeeeed it written up in the paper. But damn it, I'm a Leo- hell, I'm a *human*- I like a pat on the back! So- yay me for being a good mom- there, it's published in a blog.

What is wrong with me that I want a glowing Performance Evaluation (and a raise to go with it!)? Le sigh.

Gotta go kiss a sweet baby! At least we're happy together!